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Libby's Journal - December

December 1

Okay, here is my news: I AM PREGNANT!!!! The GIFT procedure worked and everything is fine and normal and so on. My due date is in August. Isn't that amazing?

The day we got the news at the doctor's office, me and Mona and Jack came back here and had a little ceremony out by the Treehouse Tree and then we came inside shivering and I made hot chocolate, but Mona and Jack also had scotch. We took all our drinkables up to the bedroom for another ceremony in which we put the turkey baster and Jack's coffee cup (the tools of our long pregnancy effort) away in the cedar chest along with my basal body temperature charts. It was a cold day and the three of us kicked off our shoes and climbed under the big quilt, me in the middle, and sipped our drinks and talked about the future -- and Mona and Jack snorted at each others' suggestions about baby names. And after a while they both dozed off and I lay there between them nice and warm holding my empty cup and looking at the winter sky out the window. And I prayed a prayer of gratitude and then I slept too.

That was the Monday before Thanksgiving and we decided this year not to go up to my mom's house like we usually do but instead to have the holiday here, for our other family of close friends. Altho Margot and Jayne went out of town, Dana and Andrea were here, as was Jack -- plus Mona's sister, Molly, came to visit us so we had six altogether, which is a nice number.

Yes, I made a turkey even tho I am vegetarian. It doesn't bother me to cook meat and everyone else eats it so I made it for them. I also baked pies and made real mashed potatoes and the whole bit and we had a fire in the fireplace and played Christmas music and generally had a good time.

And Friday and Saturday we did it all again, eating the leftovers and playing cards. Jayne and Margot were back home and they came over so we had a bigger crowd and with me and Molly and Jayne all together at one time there was a guarantee of constant silliness. And Molly and Jack were pretty funny together too. They were partners in Euchre and bickered humorously over which one was responsible for blowing the play. She is quick-tongued like Mona, but she flirts like me and whenever he was winning the argument she would throw him off-guard (which is not easy to do with him). Certain persons have suggested that I am scheming to match those two up, but of course I am completely innocent.

All week I have been living on a cloud. I am so happy, just completely overwhelmed by the idea that I have a new human life growing inside me. Mona suggested that perhaps I should not talk about it so openly (meaning here) just yet because, after all, the first three months of a pregnancy are the time when you are most at risk of miscarriage. But I have made such a public fuss about this for so long that it did not seem fair to just clam up and not tell anyone what happened. And besides, if the worst should happen and I lose this baby, well, I am quite certain that the unmeasurable depths of my devastation would not be much affected by whether people know about it or not.

But that is the last I have to say on that topic because I am not dwelling on negative possibilities. Not because I am avoiding it, but because I feel very very strongly a sense of peace and certainty about this. I am going to have this baby, and my whole life up to this has been a prelude to what is going to happen next. and I am ready for it. This is my time.

* * * * * *

December 15

Hay everyone. Sorry I have not written in a while. I got a couple of e-mails gently asking if everything was still okay regarding the baby and YES everything is fine. And it's not that I don't have anything to say lately. In fact I have been writing quite a lot every day . . . but in private. Mona gave me a an early Christmas present which is a wonderful blank sketchbook bound in beautiful fabric and with pages made of hand-made rag paper. I already had a very nice set of calligraphy pen tips and bottles of ink made in Italy from the same original sources that they used to make ink with back in Medieval times that the monks used.

So anyways, I have been writing every day in this large blank book, using my calligraphy pens and writing to my baby all about me and Mona and Jack and how we all met and all that stuff. Some of that I've written here, but believe it or not there is also a lot of personal stuff I've always left out of my public pages. And you know I'm used to hammering out a long string of words on my keyboard without even thinking of what I am saying almost, and doing it this other way forces me to slow down and to think about every word and every sentence and every fact I want to tell. And I can't back up and edit (not that I was ever very diligent about that anyways) -- once a letter is down on the page it is committed.

Also I only write in about two-thirds of the space on each page and I decorate the rest of the page with Art Nouveau sketches and designs. I am writing to my child when she is an adult and my intention is to give this to her when she is all grown. Of course, I don't actually know if my baby will be a girl or a boy and either way will be just fine with me, but I have had some very strong dreams that tell me it is a girl -- and I already have a name for her, but I can't tell you what it is.

So anyways, I am putting a lot of my writing energy into this new project and that has tended to make me write less here. But I guess that is only part of the explanation. To be honest with you I am also going thru a period in which I am just not as comfortable writing publicly the way I have been doing for the past year or two. I don't know how long this phase will last, but I hafta tell you it feels like it is going to last a while. Something inside of me has changed, maybe related to the baby or not. It is like a switch has been turned and whatever it was that was powering that compulsion to write in public about such personal stuff has just . . . turned off. And as you know, Mona was never too freekin' crazy about this anyways and I guess I am sorta doing this for her too.

So anyways, I guess what I am trying to say is don't expect to see many new entries here in this online journal. At least not for a while. Well, I guess that's all there is to say. Except, may God continue to shower Her blessings upon you and grant you the peace of mind to truly appreciate the gift She has given you, which is This Day.


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