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Libby's Journal - August

August 2

Well we are back home and, as usual, I am very glad to be in my own home. Whenever we are away I miss my own bed, my own kitchen, my dogs, my gardens, and this room where I write and do my art and so on. I should write about my special room someday . . .

But not right now. I have other stuff to write about today. We just got back from Minnesota where we visited Mona's parents and spent the night with her old college pal Emma. We stopped at Emma's place first and it was a rainy day late in the day when we arrived.

They have a very very interesting home, but I wasn't able to fully appreciate it that first evening because the rain kept us indoors and it was soon dark. But I did see that it was a partly underground home, built on a hill with the ground level up at about two feet from the ceiling all around. The whole house was built hugging into the hill and there were skylights everywhere. But, um, they leaked. There were three spots where the heavy rain was just dripping right inside and Emma had big houseplants positioned under each to catch the drip. She is a musician and used to tour with various bands, but then recently she met her soulmate, married him and had a baby, Louise, who is now four months old.

Emma's husband is a nice guy, but I've forgotten what he does for a living. The next morning, after he went to work, we got to see how cool their leaky house really is. It is a "passive solar" house built in the early 70s by some guy who was not an expert and did a few things wrong (thus the leaky skylights), but basically he got it right. The house is snug into a hillside facing south and the whole roof is a series of skylights while most of the house is below ground level and stays cool without air conditioning.

And coolest of all, you can walk outside onto a wooden terrace that is built on top of the skylights. It is all white-painted wood and wisteria trellises and even vegetable gardening. They have tomatoes and cucumbers growing right there on the roof, and you can look up through the skylights and see red tomatoes and flowers and so on. It was just simply amazing to me.

I also enjoyed holding Louise, and watching Emma nurse her. She was wearing a t-shirt and instead of just lifting it, she just took it off and nursed her shirtless. If you know me at all you know that nursing a baby is something I long to do.

All my life I have wanted to be a mother and to breastfeed. In fact, when I was about 17 and my oldest sister had one of her first babies, I think it was Daniel. I remember I was at her house holding the baby while she was in the other room doing something, and Daniel was opening his mouth looking for the breast. I knew, of course, that I had no milk to give, but I just wanted a few seconds of the experience, and then I would take the baby to my sister. I thought it would feel nice, but it was actually painful, and immediately he had a fit cause he didn't get what he was expecting. So I rushed him into the other room and thrust him at my sister, who of course did not know (until I told her years later) what I had tried to do.

But anyways . . . so we had this totally blissful day hanging out on Emma's roof. Louise slept most of the time downstairs in her room (we could peek at her thru one of the skylights, over which grew a cluster of daisies and black-eyed susans.

Although we had not met before, Emma knew all about me from Mona and also from my blog and so she knew I was a naturist and told me I was welcome to make myself comfortable during our visit. People often suggest that to me, but I usually don't do it. For one thing, most people's properties are not private enough, and besides that I don't do it around children and husbands, just around other women (with a very few exceptions). Plus, I generally don't do it unless I really know the person well, which I did not in this case, but I felt such a positive connection to her that it seemed right and since hubby was at work and she made the suggestion while she was still topless herself and on her way downstairs to put Louise in bed.

So I took my shirt off at least and waited to see if she'd still be shirtless when she came back upstairs, and she was, so I went ahead and undressed all the way and we three sat in the sun and just listened to nature for a while. Mona even took her shirt off.

After a while Mona asked Emma if she would play us one of her songs and she went and got her guitar and played and sang out there on the roof. She has a lot of songs she wrote herself, but she also played some tunes by Lucinda Williams and Emmylou Harris and I started singing along with her. I was blessed with a pretty good singing voice, but I can't read music or play an instrument. Pretty soon we were all three singing and Emma got her songbook so we'd know the words to everything. She had the book of songs from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" and we harmonized on the "sirens" songs. It was great, I wish we'd thought to record ourselves -- but then in a way that would have lessened "The Moment", because you know Moments are fleeting and spiritually blessed. It is almost always best just to let them play out without trying to capture them (like dashing off to the house to get your camera to take a picture of a rainbow -- just stand and experience the rainbow!).

We left her house reluctantly late that afternoon and drove over to Mona's parents house where we stayed a couple more days. I get along very well with them and call them "Mom" and "Dad." Mona came out as gay at about age 13, not just to her parents but to kids at school and everything. She was tough and defiant and pretty much dared anyone to hassle her over it. So by the time I entered the picture they had long since accepted her being gay and they were thrilled when we told them about wanting to have a baby together. (By the way, there is sorta minor bad news on that front, but I don't wanna write about it just yet; maybe in the next entry).

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August 9

Well, I mentioned in my last entry that there was "bad news" on the baby-making front. Not really 'news" like finding out I'm definitely infertile or something like that. It's just that we have decided to take a three-month break from the effort.

I should say "I" decided, not "we." This was my decision. In part it is because, well, it isn't working anyways. But also because Jack has recently become involved with someone and I'm afraid that this might be in their way. Jack has been seeing a woman named Leslie back in the Cleveland area, which is where he has still been living part of the time when he is not here. Jack renovates historic homes as still has some commitments up there and he met this woman and they are hitting it off pretty good. And I am happy for him and want it to succeed.

I admit I have had mixed feelings about the prospect of Jack falling in love with someone and settling down . I want that for him, but I fear it too because he might have to make choices and I know he would have to choose his life-mate over a mere friend, even an old and dear friend, if it came to that.

Not that I'm saying she has pushed him to that. She has not, and Jack does not "get pushed" easily. He is independent and does what he thinks is right. I have tremendous respect for Jack and I appreciate his commitment to me and our baby-making effort.

But we have TRIED for a long time and I don't want his stubborn loyalty to me to get in the way of a new, emerging relationship which could be The One for him. And unfortunately, I don't think Leslie and I are an automatic good match in terms of hitting it off as friends.

We probably just didn't get the right start. I mean, here she was dating this nice guy who probably seemed perfect to her and then eventually he says, by the way I'm trying to get my old girlfriend pregnant -- you don't mind, do you? And then it turns out that the old girlfriend happens to be a naturist who writes a public blog in which she details how he flirts with her while she is naked and how he is in the same room when she inserts his semen into herself using a turkey baster.

I can see how that might be a little hard to get used to.

She and I have only met the one time (which I sorta purposely declined to write about here) and I would not say that it "went well." We're just very different kinds of people. She is very formal and serious and I'm . . . not. And I am not trying to criticize her or anything. She is in control of her life (which I often have not been), and she has a two-year-old boy who could really use a father and I know Jack would be a good one. He was born to be a father, I do know that.

And I am willing to accept the possibility that while he is destined to be a father, perhaps he is not destined to be the father of MY child.

Of course it is possible he could be the father of both, but if not then so be it. It is very important to me that Jack be happy in life and I don't want him sacrificing anything in order to tend to me. I have my life-mate in Mona and so I can't offer Jack what Leslie can. I need to be secondary to that, which is why I decided we are taking this three-month break from the pregnancy effort. Perhaps it should be a permanent break, but for now it is just a temporary thing.

This will give them a chance to work on their relationship without this distraction, and I can use the time to think about what I want to do next anyways.

So . . . that's my news. Such as it is.

* * * * *

August 12

Okay everybody, first off you can stop sending me those sappy e-mails about what I wrote last entry. Nobody DIED or anything. I mean I appreciate it an all but you know.

Anyways, I'm not even fretting over it right now cause I have been UP the past couple days on one of my lovely manic periods in which I have SO much energy and feel basically powerful and in control and so on. Not that I am generally any more in control at these times, but it feels that way. I hardly slept last night cause I just didn't feel like it. and I am deep in another of my big ART PROJECTS. This time I am making a mosaic top to that old farmer's table that has been sitting out on the screened in porch all this time. If you have never seen it, it is very cool, an OLD big table that was probably built by the farmer who lived here decades ago. It was in a work room when we moved in and had been used as a work bench so the top was totally ruined, not just scratches and gouges and stuff but paint spilled and nails into it ant so on -- totally not salvageable, but the rest of it the legs and such was wonderful so what I finally decided to do -- like two days ago -- was to cover the top in a mosaic tile design.

I got the idea when I was moving some stuff in the basement and knocked over this stack of yellow tiles left over from when the bathroom was done and a couple of them broke and in my mind they looked like petals -- the shards looked like sunflower petals. And NO I was not stoned, just kinda grooving on my own hormones, so I took the tiles upstairs to the back porch and swept everything off the table and started breaking tiles to make sunflower petals. Cut myself also, but I just bandaged it up and went on. When Mona came home I had completely lost track of the time and didn't know it was dinner time. Heck didn't even know it had been lunch time and I was starving so she made omelettes while I jabbered about my great new idea, which I still think is great. This morning after mona went to work I drove into town and bought a bunch of new tiles at the hardware store, but I also found some interesting shapes of brass and some polished wood -- AND I remembered my rocks I collected on the beach in Michigan last year because they were so perfectly flat and so would be ideal for this purpose. I KNEW those would come in handy one of these days.

Today it is sorta acting like it might rain. God I hope it does, we sure need it. Have not had any decent rain in weeks and weeks and I have been watering the gardens every morning and every evening, but it's all doing okay, holding up in the heat. I bring in cut flowers every couple of days, which is what I always wanted -- having a garden big enough that you can do that,and now I can which is cool.

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August 15

Well, I've had a couple decent nights' sleep since that last entry. I was pretty wound up for a while. Actually, at the time I was making that last entry I wrote about four times that much, but forgot to save it and walked away from the computer, got involved in something else and forgot about it, so what you see above is all that survived. WHICH is just as well as far as I'm concerned. I don't usually write when I'm hyper cause I can't sit still that much and when I do it is usually an embarrassing thing to read afterwards -- as it would have been this time as I recall.

Part of what I wrote that got zapped was about our party this past weekend and I'm glad it did cause I was a bit too explicit in describing it. It was just one of our usual get-togethers with our closest buddies, but because of my manic state I was pretty crazy. They are used to that and basically let me bounce off the walls and tried to keep me from breaking the furniture. I was wearing a new set of temp-tattoos, which Mona had painstakingly applied earlier in the day, and I was feeling rather sexy and was basically trying to seduce everyone. Not literally "seduce," as in wanting to actually have sex with someone, but I was totally into the enticement/foreplay portion of seduction. And it wasn't just an act, although a little of it was, because I truly love each of these women and find them each beautiful and sexual beings (and, after all, I do have a sexual history with half of them).

But even in a friendship capacity I love the sensual thrill of skin-against-skin contact, so I was dispensing hugs and whispering sexy compliments into ears and "accidentally" brushing my nipple against someone's bare arm as I did so. Which doesn't sound so bad when summarized briefly as I am doing now, but when I wrote about it the first time I went into considerable detail in one very detailed run-on sentence that included not just the play-by-play of that evening but also parenthetic recollections of the previously referenced sexual histories, and having seen each of these women naked I also invested some of my narrative on specifically why each woman's body is so beautiful. Fortunately for us all, that paean to lesbian friendships did not survive the indifferent whims of electronic data storage. I am the kind of journal-writer who can't delete something later on once it has been put down, so if my computer hadn't eaten that it would be right here for posterity's sake whether I liked it or not.

I got about half done with that sunflower project I mentioned and am still tinkering with it but not at such a frenetic pace. Ya know, it's not really a good idea to handle broken ceramic tiles when you are manic. I almost had to get stitches.

I have since re-read some of the messages I received about the pregnancy thing, and I want to say thank you, I do really really appreciate your thoughts, despite my flippant statement earlier. But I am not worrying about this too much. Things will be fine, I'm sure. And maybe the right thing for me to do would be to adopt some special needs child who really needs me. That would be the noble thing to do. But I am not all that noble. I'm basically selfish and I desperately want the experience of being pregnant, and the experience of giving birth and the experience of breastfeeding. And I want to look at my baby and see my eyes or my fingers or my smile.

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August 16

It is a nice, breezy morning. Maybe we will get a bit of rain today. I have been eating tomatoes every day. I have lots of green beans and carrots I have been making pesto to freeze for the winter. We bought a bunch of blueberries when we were up north and I froze them in pint containers so we can enjoy them as long as possible.I like the idea of eating things when they are in season, but freezing stuff is nice too.

Mornings are my favorite time. I often wake up at dawn when it is just beginning to get light, and sometimes I get out of bed while Mona is still asleep and go outside and sit quietly in the grass listening to the birds. Then I come back to bed and, if I am lucky, Mona will wake up a little early and decide to get frisky. While she is in the shower I come downstairs to my kitchen and make coffee for her and tea for me. I take the dogs with me to get the newspaper way down at the end of the driveway. No one can see me from the road until I am at the very bottom and there are no other houses or driveways there except for Margot and Jayne of course. Now and then there are people jogging or bike riding but Cody and Max tell me someone is near and I wait for them to pass before stepping out to get the paper.

After Mona goes to work I tidy up the kitchen and then sit outside a bit drinking my tea and reading some of the paper, and lately I have watered the gardens then too. Some days I have places I go, like to the church pantry or the library where I volunteer, but other days I have nothing I really have to do, except my housework and whatever little projects I have created for myself. If it is hot I dunk myself in the pool and then I don't dry off as I go about my other business. Sometimes I nap in the middle of the day. I shower in the early afternoon and do my shaving then so's I am nice and smooth for special kisses when Mona gets home from work.

Often I spend a couple hours right here in my special room, either writing or reading or doing some art project. I have a big window that overlooks some of my gardens, and I have a skylight in the slanty part of the ceiling that gives me great natural light. Most of one wall is covered with a collage I have made from stuff I cut out of magazines -- mostly interesting faces. I love my room.

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August 19

Well we are having a BLISSfully rainy day, and I have spent much of the morning outdoors getting wet. It started in the middle of the night and I heard it on the windows so I went out in it in the dark. There is a spot in the driveway that pools up in heavy rains and I sat down in it and leaned myself back to accept the rain that God was giving me.

At first it was pitch black outside, but at some point I must have triggered one of the motion detector lights and it lit me up like a spotlight and the raindrops reflected all around me. The light also woke Mona up and pretty soon she was in the doorway watching me. She was naked because she sleeps naked and I tried to entice her out in the rain, but she wanted me to come up on the porch, which I did and we embraced, my wet skin against her dry skin. And, well, then we went back to bed.

I have LONGed for this for WEEKS. God I needed this -- and so did my gardens. Everybody is perking up now that they have had such a nice long steady rain on their heads and down into their happy little roots. I love seeing beads of raindrops all over the leaves and the flower petals and the tomatoes. There is still rainwater beaded on my skin and running down my body as I sit here to write. You should never rub raindrops off of your body with a towel but instead let them soak into you because having raindrops on your skin is a gift from god.

Cody and Max have been frolicking out in the rain too and they followed me in here and are curled up on the rag rug where they hang out when I am in here. Of course they both reek of wet dog, but that odor doesn't really bother me. Dirty dog is a bad smell, but clean wet dog is earthy but okay with me.

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Aug. 23

Molly is here for the weekend and the weather has been just right for girls who like to be naked. Yesterday afternoon, we hiked naked all over the property, pausing whenever we felt like it to sprawl in the grass and stretch out in the sun. Molly said "I'm working on my freckles" in the same way that others say they are working on their tan. Like Mona, Molly has a bazillion freckles on her face, shoulders and her chest, but not many on her boobs and stomach. She says it is her goal to have evenly distributed freckles so it is really important for her to expose these parts to the sun.

So we were out for a couple of hours, all the way up to the top of the hill where we stood at the fence and looked down at the traffic, and then we walked along the ridge to Jack's house. We both knew he was not home, but it wouldn't be a big deal if he were because he has seen both of us naked. I have been doing my darnedest to match those two up and I know they are attracted to each other, but they both seem wary. At first, Molly was convinced that Jack and I still had something going on between us, and she was right but just not what she thought. She gets that now, so maybe eventually they will connect, but I know that she is currently sort of casually dating another girl.

Molly lives in the city in a peeling yellow Victorian house in an interesting little historic neighborhood close to downtown. Mona and I visited once and it is a real party place. Six or seven women live in it and every evening several other women drop by for dinner and drinks. Molly goes naked a lot in the house and will be sitting there nude at the dinner table. She told me I could be naked too, but I wasn't comfortable yet with the idea. But even if I were comfortable, I'm not sure I would do it because Molly is the center of attention and I would not want to divert any of that away from her. Not that I am saying I am better to look at; just that there would be two instead of one and I like it that she is the only one. Anyways, because they are in the city, Molly does not have any private outdoor space except a tiny bit of their backyard. That's why she likes coming down here so she can experience the wide open spaces.

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August 27

Well I have cut down the last of my sunflowers for the season. They were starting to fade so I cut them and put them in heavy vases in the house. I have cosmos and black-eyed susans in the same vase.

A couple days ago I had one of my "Mother Earth" dreams again, but this time the storyline was a bit more romantic and earthy (unintended pun) and this was because outside of my dream I was being fondled and moreso by a certain rascally redhead who likes to wake me up this way sometimes. Not that I object, but it has a distinct influence on my dreams. I was going to write about this here but decided to make a Dreams and Fantasies page and list several of these.

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