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Libby's Journal - May

May 6

I'm having to break in a whole new shrink cause my old one has gone to Europe on sabbatical and since I may be starting with the Pergonal in the next couple months I need to have a doc on duty in case the hormones make me crazier than usual.

We have continued each month when I am ovulating to make deposits with the turkey baster, but I haven't written about it lately because it's the same thing I have already described and after not getting pregnant month after month I am not as enthusiastic about talking about it.

Anyways, so there I was having my first session and telling my whole entire history of my life all over again and finally I said, hay here's the URL to my blog. So I wrote it down and gave it to her. I mean, heck, my whole life history is right here out in the open. I figure that'll save me a couple hundred bucks just in background conversations. So if you're reading this . . . "Hi Doc!"

The foot-dragging on Pergonal is mostly my fault. I'm scared of it, I admit. Superficially, I'm scared of needles -- and this is a two-inch needle that goes inside your butt ALL THE WAY. More importantly, I'm scared of the hormonal change making me depressed. I am off Depakote and have been for some time and I wanna stay that way.

Third, I'm scared of other possible side effects -- like multiple births. Not that I would mind twins, but what if it is five? I read that five percent of Pergonal users have three or more fertilized eggs and that the doctor then "weeds them down." Or what if there is a horrible birth defect? Although I believe women have the constitutional right to have an abortion if that is what they decide, I'm not sure I could mentally make that choice. I can't look at a photo of a fetus and not see it as a human life -- and I don't mean that to sound anti-choice. NO, that fetus does not have the same legal rights as the already-born person whose body is carrying it, so the mother should always have the final say over whether to continue a pregnancy. However, I believe it is still a human life.

And what if 20 years from now I get ovarian cancer from Pergonal? My doctor says Pergonal is not associated with either birth defects nor cancer, but he also said there is a "very slight" chance your ovaries could get so hyper-stimulated they would literally burst and you would die!!

So every month I say ... let's just try it again the way we've been doing.

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May 13

It has rained almost every day the past week. The ground has been too wet for me to do hardly any gardening. All's I got in the ground is my tomatoes so far. I always start with plants that are already about a foot tall (started in greenhouses) so we can get ripe tomatoes as soon as possible and for as much of the summer as possible. I grow other stuff, but for the most part what I grow doesn't taste that much better than what you can buy in the store -- except tomatoes!!

Yesterday (Sunday) Mona had the softball chicks over for batting practice. I'm not on the team but they let me practice with them. I'm basically terrible at it, but when you're cute and all you wear is a hat and ballglove nobody minds if you can't catch. The running joke about me and sports is that I'm only in it for the butt-pats, so I get a lot of them.

It was one of those days where there is a misty rain all day and your skin gets wet but you don't really see the rain, just mist.

And in the middle of this the sun broke thru the clouds and a rainbow formed right in front of us. It was a great one too, going all the way, unbroken, from one end to the other. There was the beginnings of a double ring, but it didn't go all the way up.

Some of the girls wanted to keep playing, but not me. I have learned that rainbows are rare gifts from God and when She gives me one, I sit down in the wet grass and watch it for as long as it is there for me. Which is what I did, and pretty soon everyone else was watching it too. The sun disappeared and so did the rainbow, just like that. The rain started coming down harder and everyone else ran up to the house. But I walked. Slowly. The rain came down hard and I turned my face up into it and said a little prayer of thanksgiving, not just for the rainbow, but for all the good things in my life.

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May 17

I just got back from a quick visit back home to check on my grandma. She is doing GREAT. She has completely recovered except for getting tired more easily than she used to. We spent half the day sitting outside in her back yard watching the birds and squirrels. It was a nice day (no rain for a change).

For her belated Mother's Day present I got her some flower boxes for her porch railing, cause she told me she couldn't kneel down in the flower beds anymore. I got six of them and they almost completely surround her front porch, and I bought a bunch of annuals and some bags of good dirt. While she worked on her flower boxes I tended to her flower beds out in the yard. I thinned out her daffodils and replanted them in other places. As I put each of them in the ground I noticed that they look just like sperm cells, the little bulb at one end and the trailing green tail. Tears were on my cheeks as I put those little guys in the fertile earth and I gave them each a little blessing as I did so.

After we were done working we sat together on her porch and I told her I was sorry I didn't make the trip on Mother's Day itself, which was last Sunday and she squeezed my hand and said that was okay. She know's I'm a little fragile about this particular holiday.

When we started the pregnancy effort, I was naively optimistic that it would work the first or second time we tried it, but that hasn't been the case. Sometimes I am still optimistic, but other times I have only dark thoughts -- that it will never be, or that I will get pregnant and lose the baby after having felt it move, and named it. I know someone who lost a baby at eight months -- strangled by the cord. She ended up having another child later, but even so that would be so devastating. I don't think I would survive such a thing, not mentally at least. I would be done for mentally. Just put me away and take away my shoestrings.

I can't control my mind sometimes. I can't stop the horrible thoughts of what if what if what if. I try to distract myself by going outside and walking on the beautiful earth, which I worship, and I pray to God to come and be with me, and sometimes it feels that She does, but sometimes I don't feel Her at all, as if she is too busy for me that day, or perhaps tired of my wimpy complaints.

One time after I prayed I looked up and Right There was a deer with a fawn, and they both looked back at me, unafraid, and for a long long long Moment we all three stood there not moving, staring at each other. And then they turned and walked away, still unafraid of me.

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May 29

Last weekend was Memorial Day weekend and we got the pool going for the summer. It has not yet been truly hot out, and in fact it would have been a little too cool for swimming but the pool is heated so it was fine. God, we're decadent!

And ya know this is not just an ordinary pool. It's irregularly shaped, and instead of ordinary concrete surrounding it we have paving stones. Mona won't tell me how much she spent on it. But anyways, it's pretty darned cool. I woulda been perfectly satisfied with a standard swimming pool -- which is what Andrea and Dana are having put in over at their place, which is basically done now but they haven't moved in yet. They're gonna move in after the wedding, which is in about two weeks!!!

I am maid of honor (even tho I am married, don't you dare call me "matron"!) My dress is tres lovely (yes, of COURSE I'm gonna wear clothes -- no shoes tho). It is yellow and strapless, which means --- this is a job for ... WonderBra!

Mona woulda been Andrea's choice for Best Buddy, but Andrea decided to have her older brother stand up for her instead -- which is very sweet. I know both sets of families and they are all great people. Neither Dana nor Andrea ever had to take any crap from their families for being "different" -- and lord knows Dana is more different than most people. Her parents seem so conservative, and they are in certain ways, but they have always been supportive of her -- even when she told them she didn't consider herself a "him" anymore -- and indeed that she now feels she had never been a "him." (All that is explained on my Andrea & Dana page).

So anyways we had a lovely time with the pool, and we were all skinnydipping. I had to balance things cause I wanted to invite Jack over too -- and I did, for dinner. But I kept the earlier part of the day girls only so we wouldn't hafta worry about who would wear a suit and who wouldn't.

So Jack came over later for dinner after everybody (but me) was dressed. And we grilled portobella mushrooms and we turned the music on loud and everybody danced. Jack is a good dancer, a natural comfortable dancer which is kinda rare with guys. Some of them are "good dancers" but in that practiced, self-conscious way. Jack just boogies and he is happy enough to dance all by himself if no one else is up for it -- which has never been a prob when I am around cause I am a dancer too. And so is Mona and so is Dana. When the music has a 1950s "twist" beat, Jack and Mona will imitate the dance between John Travolta and Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. Meanwhile, Andrea and Margot tend to sit on their butts drinking and watching as the rest of us dance till we drop on the grass and look at the stars while the night air cools the sweat from our bodies.



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