Libby's Journal - March
We have had two monthly cycles so far in which we have employed the turkey baster. Although it hasn't actually worked yet I am feeling very positive. And it has been so nice to see Mona and Jack becoming such good friends. They shoot hoops in the driveway and go at each other mercilessly in any board game or other competition.
Since all of this started, I have been careful to make sure I was wearing clothing whenever Jack was around because I didn't want to introduce that complication into our developing relationships. I hadn't even mentioned it to Mona, but she brought it up and said I should go ahead and stay naked if I wanted because she was cool with it.
And then yesterday it was so warm and springlike that I spent all afternoon puttering naked in my garden. There is not much to do this time of year, but I raked off excess leaves and pulled out the remains of last year's annuals. I came in by 5:00 because we were having Jack over for dinner that night. It wasn't a "Game Day" but just a regular dinner and I had to get started cooking. First I took a quick shower and intended to put on a dress, but Mona told me not to bother. And I said, well, we should at least warn him before he gets here, and she said something like "I have to call him anyway," and she picked up the phone and casually walked out of the room as she was talking to him.
But she didn't actually tell him I was going to be naked. She just told him to bring wine. This was her little game, wanting to surprise him with this.
So there I was cooking dinner naked, busy with three or four pots going at once, and we had good music on and I was bopping to it. I heard Jack on the back porch and Mona opened the door, positioning herself so she could watch his expression as he saw me.
I whirled around to say hi to him and caught the grin of surprise on his face. Of course, he had seen me nude many times back when we were dating and he knew I rarely wore clothes at home and that it was only a matter of time before I would do it around him. He just didn't know today would be the day so he was only a little surprised. But Mona still got a big kick out of it. She laughed 'til she snorted because she had played this little trick on him.
* * * * *
I went to my shrink today and she says I am doing really well. Under her supervision, I weaned off of Depakote in December-January for the duration of the pregnancy effort, which of course could take several months. There is a slight risk of birth defects for the first trimester. We have already gone through two ovulation cycles but have not yet been successful, and that has been fueling some churning worry on my part. Normally, my manic periods are happy, carefree and hyper-focused on whatever art project or home design I deal I may have at that time, but if I am not careful that same intensity can re-focus itself on something I am worried about. That has only happened to me a few times in my life, but my fixation on pregnancy is already pretty intense so we talked about that and how to cope, etc.
Normally, I only see my psychiatrist a few times a year, but monthly I see a therapist to talk about things. So right now I am seeing both of them.
At my therapist's suggestion, I started volunteering two or three days a week at the public library. I haven't held a job in a while and I know that I probably couldn't right now cause my moods are too uneven for the workplace. Which is why the library is nice, cause they don't seem to mind not knowing for sure when I'll be there -- and it's good for me to have some responsibility for a change.
And I've made some new friends with a couple chicks who work there. They invited me to join their book group and I went to my first meeting a couple weeks ago. This, by the way, was the evening after Valentine's Day so I still had all my hearts on and even tho I was, of course, fully clothed you could still see plenty of them on my neck and upper arms and along my waist (I was wearing my capris, which are rather low-waisted).
These are all straight chicks with husbands and families and they seemed to find me rather exotic. The book we're reading (which I finished the other day) is "The Woman Who Walked into Walls," by Roddy Doyle.
I have also been volunteering at a food pantry operated by the church I go to. It is a rag-tag little Catholic parish in a poor neighborhood. Some of the other volunteers have been doing it for a long time and they handle the check-ins and the counting of points at the end. My job is to help people in the middle of the process as they look for things they need, and I am always dashing back to the store room to replenish items. I chat with everyone who comes through.
At home, we are a bustling little household because Andrea and Dana have been staying with us during construction on their new home, which is on "the estate" but still a good hike from our house. Jack is often here, but stays up in his cabin. Every time I go up there I see more work that he has done fixing up the insides. He owns lots of old books and so he has built in bookshelves that are beautifully crafted and stained (because he is a pro at that kind of work).
Also, Mona's kid sister, Molly often comes over on the weekend and spends the night because she lives in the middle of the city and it's at least an hour's drive. Besides, she likes to party so it's best she stays over.
Anyways, sometimes we have quite a crowd in the house, which I like of course.
* * * * *
When I started going naked around Jack recently it felt very natural and not overly sexual because we were just doing normal things like having dinner or walking outside, but then it was time to have another round with the turkey baster. This meant, of course, that each time we made a "deposit" we would get me positioned upside down with my legs up against the wall. Only Mona was in the room when we actually inserted the turkey baster, but as we have done previously I maintained that position for 15 minutes afterward to improve the chances of success. And normally Jack would be in the room by this point and all three of us would be sitting around talking.
Jack was a little hesitant, waiting for a cue from me on whether I would be more comfortable with him staying in the hallway, but Mona just laughed and motioned him inside. He looked at my upside down face to check and I nodded and smiled.
I actually felt really good about the situation because trying to have a baby -- even with a turkey baster -- is such an intimate thing and it felt right that he would see me this way. Granted, I was grooving on mania also and everything felt right. As always, I felt convinced that THIS time it was working and in that feeling of joy it made perfect sense that my nakedness should not be hidden from the man whose sperm cells I now had swimming around inside of me.
And as we did last month, we made several deposits over the course of a couple of days so this scene played out over and over again the past couple of days.
* * * * *
It's mid-March so ya know what that means -- Mona watching endless basketball on TV, that's what. Yesterday we watched two games in a row. Actually I didn't watch too much of either, but Mona and her pals did. She plays basketball herself in an amateur chick league and she's pretty darned good for being 5-foot-5. Andrea is on her team and plays center cause she is 6 feet tall. I go to a lot of their games and cheer for them so I got to know them pretty well before they ever came over to the house, which was good because I was already comfortable with the idea of being naked around them, which they already knew that I did because Mona told them of course.
So we have already had several basketball-watching parties. Sheesh. But heck, I get to be naked throughout all this and Dana and a couple of the other chicks who are not jocks themselves but whose partners are -- we all hang out in the kitchen and drink lots of wine and dance a little when the spirit moves us and we keep the beers flowing to the TV room and now and then I get a friendly pat on my bottom and I have to dodge around Mona to keep her from getting gropey with me and sometimes (on purpose) I will not be quick enough and she will pull me onto her lap, cop a good feel and i will squeal and wiggle out of her arms (but not too fast) and everyone else will get a big kick out of it and will tease me until I blush and feel tingly, so, I mean, that's not a bad party even if there IS men's basketball involved.BUT when you get to the women's games, then Libby is right in there screaming at the TV with the best of them.
* * * * *
We had a bit of cold weather, but today it was suddenly warm and springlike again -- and very foggy. I went naked and barefoot across fields to where the land drops off in a steep grassy hill. I could only see a certain distance in all directions and then it just went white.
I worked my way down to the wetlands area where there is a pretty pond. The water was still cold, but the emerging sun began to burn the fog away and felt wonderful on my skin. I waded a little but the water was still pretty cold.
* * * * *
The other day I got kicked out of a women's discussion group on Yahoo cause I'm gay. I like women's chat groups where everybody prattles on and on about their little neuroses and heartaches. But then I watch chick flicks and the Lifetime Channel too. What can I say?
So I was cruising the Yahoo "women's interest groups." and this one had seemed really inviting at first and the description of the site mentioned lesbians in a way that, just skimming over it, seemed welcoming. I shoulda read it closer cause it woulda been clear to me it was anti-gay. The reference to lesbians in the intro actually said "I won't ask and you won't tell if you are lesbian," which I guess was her way of "welcoming" gays so long as it was on a don't ask don't tell basis. But being hasty I didn't notice that at first.
So I join the group and they all welcome me and ask for my story and I give them the quick summary about infertility, bipolar disorder, etc. And they all cooed over me and pampered me and asked me to tell them more, so I did.
I didn't mention naturism, of course, but I did -- in passing -- mention being lesbian. And I wasn't making any big point about it at all -- I was just mentioning it to explain that my pregnancy quest does have certain obstacles (like no sperm readily available).
And then right after I made that second post ZAP I wasn't a member of the group any more. I had been spiked!
That's when I re-read the "welcome" then I looked back at some of the previous messages before I joined and sure enough there was a post by the founder saying she had just deleted some members cause they said they were lez and, she explained, that is simply against Christ's teachings.
I always get pissed when people hide behind the Bible as an excuse for one person to be shitty to another person. Since my membership in that group was dead, Andrea joined and we collaborated on a post challenging their "Christian" viewpoint. I am a recovering Catholic and she is a recovering Fundamentalist and we both know the Bible pretty well.
So we wrote this great post quoting scripture and pointing out that Jesus never said a word about homosexuality, but did explicitly and unambiguously condemn both the accumulation of wealth and remarriage following divorce -- and we asked if she therefore also kicked out women who were well-to-do or on second marriages.
Of course, our post never appeared, but it prompted me to create a new page on Spirituality where I can rant about the Bible and pontificate on my evolving view of the Divine.
* * * * *
Molly came down Saturday afternoon and stayed until Sunday afternoon. We had ourselves a little naked spree and then Molly took a shower and got dressed because she knew Jack was coming over for dinner. Last time she and Jack were here at the same time, I was wearing clothing and I hadn't mentioned to her that I recently started staying naked when he was around so she was a little surprised when she came downstairs and saw me naked in the kitchen chatting with him.
After he had left, we talked about it and I realized that it had been a bit of a turn-on for her to watch me being casually nude with a man. I asked her if she would have stayed naked if she had known I would be, and she said probably not but that she might like to in the future. And naturally I took the opportunity to suggest that they would make a good couple, and she said it probably wasn't a good time for that. I thought she meant because it was still recently that she broke up with her last boyfriend, and she has talked about a girl she really likes. But she told me that was true but that she also got the vibe that Jack was still carrying a torch for me, and I told her she was misreading the vibe because Jack and I DO have a great vibe between us but it is something beyond romance or sex. Yes, our souls are connected and that bond will never be broken but it is a friendship.
* * * * *
My mom called this morning and Grandma is getting worse. I don't think I've written about this, but my grandmother (my mother's mother) has been in failing health lately. Just in the past few months she seems to be getting old quickly. She used to be so active and now she is tired all the time and just isn't the same person. It's scary.
She's been to the doctor and they keep adjusting her thyroid medicine and her blood pressure medicine, but she just keeps getting worse. I'm thinking I might take a drive out there and stay at my mom's house for a while and spend some time with grandma. She still lives in the same little house where she has always been and I know she'd hate to give that up. Mom would, of course, take her in to live with her and Anna, there's plenty of room now that all us kids are long since gone.
But I'm worried about her and have been praying for her. Which reminds me, I've written up a little explanation of my view of what happens when you pray because whenever someone I know is facing troubles and I say "I will pray for you" they always say thank you and everything, but you can tell they don't think it means much. I do not believe in prayer as supplicating to the Big Powerful God who may or may not choose to respond. Yet I still think it has power. Well anyways, just read my Prayer Page if you are curious. I promise it is not what you probably think.
Well, anyways, construction has been going on over at Andrea & Dana's place. It's about half a mile from here and you can barely see it because of the pine trees -- and after the leaves are full you won't be able to see it at all. Still, this will cramp my Nature Girl style a little, at least in that direction when the construction crew is here. Of course the weather has been terrible lately even tho it is officially spring -- snow on the ground right now -- but when the weather gets warm I'm gonna want my outdoor freedom. But I just won't venture too far in that direction. Their house is supposed to be done by June or July I think. Contrary to what some people predicted, the four of us have not gotten tired of living together in one house -- I'm a little surprised myself. In fact, I think we've just gotten closer.
* * * * *
I had a nice nap this afternoon and had my favorite dream again. I have had it six or seven times in the past few years. I dream that me and Mona are both pregnant.
In the dream, we are both eight or nine months along, really really big. And we are laying together in bed, nude, our bellies touching and our arms wrapped around each other. And our babies are moving inside, and we can each feel the other baby moving against our skin. They are communicating, getting to know each other, like twins in adjoining rooms.
I first had that dream a long time ago when me and Mona were first dating (before our legendary breakup and long before we started talking about having a child together) and it was a true sleeping dream that time, and maybe a couple other times since, but often it is a half-way sleeping dream and a halfway daydream that I like to think about when I am drowsy.
I have written about this and several other dreams on my Dreams and Fantasies page.
Journal | Mona |