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Libby's Journal - January

Jan. 1

I have kept journals ever since I was a little girl writing in fat cursive in blank books adorned with unicorns that I hid under my bed to keep my big sisters from snooping. In recent times, I have been writing on a computer, but of course still keeping it private. Now, however, I am taking a big step and am going to keep an online journal for all the world to see.

Okay, not that "all the world" is watching, but lots of my friends are. I have always been really good at friend-making and I am also pretty good at keeping friends. I am still in touch with girls I knew in college, high school and elementary school. One of my best friends I have known since kindergarten. But nowadays, we are dispersed all over the country -- all over the planet actually. So I am mainly writing this journal for those friends -- sort of like those five-page Christmas newsletters some relatives send you each year. Except, like, all the time.

It is mainly for those friends that I feel the need to chronicle my "Quest to Get Pregnant" and have my first child. Yes, you have all heard me talk about this, but now I am actually going to do it! Or try, at least.

Of course, Mona and I discussed this pretty early in our relationship -- because of course I brought it up. I had reached the point in my life when I didn't want to get emotionally involved with someone unless there was a chance she could be my True Love -- and so I had screening questions. If they didn't come up naturally during Date 1, then I'd try to work them in on Date 2. Things like: How do you picture your home life in five or ten years? Do you have a dog? Do you think you want kids someday?"

Normally those questions would get asked and answered in restaurants and coffeehouses, but with Mona things happened so quickly I had to conduct the job interview in bed during the rest between orgasms. But she passed and we were off to the races romantically. We may have gone a bit too fast though, and by "we" I mean me. She wasn't ready for someone like me, but then who is? So then, a few months later, there were "The Troubles" which is what we now call that period when she broke up with me for a while but then showed up on my doorstep in the middle of the night telling me she was sorry. It was like a rom-com but not as funny.

She had to answer the screening questions again, and this time it was a freaking essay test. But she passed again and we decided to just focus on whatever our relationship was going to become and not talk about babies for the first year. Which is what we did, except that I did blurt out who I wanted my sperm donor to be -- Jack, who was my boyfriend in college before I had my orientation quite sorted out. And I had even talked to Jack about it before, that time we took six weeks to meander our way to Key West and back again in his van. It was just theoretical, of course, but I told him all the reasons why I wanted him to be the father of my child.

Mona wasn't sure how she felt about that, but once she got to know Jack it was fine. They have developed a great relationship of their own these past several months. It is a blessing to see.

My life has been blessed in so many ways, starting with just happening to be born a healthy white kid in a financially and emotionally stable home in a first-world country. Not that there's anything wrong with being born other colors and in other places of the world, but it's just a fact that life can be pretty darned easy for us upper middle class American white girls. We get a lot of breaks, and I've never quite come to terms with how I feel about that -- except to admit it is an unearned blessing.

Although my father died when I was two, I have no memory of him (except some false ones I manufactured in my youth). I am the youngest of five daughters and for my oldest sisters that loss was a huge blow because they were old enough to know that their dad had died suddenly in a car accident, taken from their young lives without a hint of warning that such a thing could even happen. I was spared that experience because I was too young. And being the youngest, I was pampered and coddled by all.

Genetically, I lucked out as well in that I happen to have the kind of face and body that our society considers attractive. That can be a real power if you want to use it that way, and even if you are not trying to do so it just happens. I will not make you gag by bemoaning the burdens of being the cute blonde chick, but trust me there are disadvantages to being the female that every straight male in the room takes particular notice of. But that said, it's unquestionably also true that having people think you are attractive is mostly a built-in advantage in life.

And though I have had my hard times -- like having at one point given it sufficient thought to decide that carbon monoxide poisoning would be the best way to take yourself out -- I am aware that on the international scale of human suffering I did not even deserve to be suicidal. My problems were nothing compared to what so many people on this Earth endured every day. To me, life is a gift, but I might not think that if I hadn't had it so easy. I do have some mental health issues, but that is pretty treatable these days. A hundred years ago, I'd be the crazy aunt they keep locked in the attic. I am still a crazy aunt, of course, but I am a free-range crazy aunt who hardly ever has to get locked up.

I am lucky to have found my True Love and to feel totally secure in that relationship. And not only is Mona so perfect for me in all of the most important emotional ways, but she also happens to make lots of money. A year ago we bought some land that is tucked away between the interstate and some wetlands where no one notices it is even here. The location is a secret, like the Bat Cave, but I will give you a hint. When you are driving on the highway in a hilly part of the country sometimes the highway cuts right through a little mountain and from the road all you see is a sheer limestone wall where the cut was made. But if you look way up to the top of that wall, some 30 or 40 feet, you may see a wire fence along the top and beyond that a dense growth of woods. That's where we live. It is more than 100 acres and part of it used to be a farm, but much of it has always been woods. And if you climb up through the pines to the very top of the hill, you reach that wire fence and can look down and see the traffic.

When Mona and I first met, I was doing graphic design for a little web company, but a year or so later it went out of business and I got laid off. But by that point, she and I were were in the process of looking for land and talking about getting unofficially married and having the baby, and Mona told me not to bother looking for another job. I had also gotten myself all stressed out over trying to find a job and I had a full-blown panic attack. I had already explained to Mona that I was bipolar and am pretty good on medication but that now and then things get out of balance and some stressful event in life becomes a catalyst and off I go to Crazy Town. So she knew enough to recognize what was happening, but she had never witnessed it before. I was fine in a day or so and my mom came down to babysit me as she has done so many times.

In a weird way, I was kind of glad it happened when it did so Mona would truly know what I am, and could decide to run for the hills before we got too deep into each other's lives. To her credit, she did not run away -- well, actually she did, but she came back and the experience made us stronger.

Anyways, so now every morning she zips off down the driveway in her convertible, her flaming orange-red pony tail blowing behind her like a flag, and I have all of this space and all of this time. I feel a little guilty, but only a little. Mona loves her job, and she loves going into the bustling city and meeting people for lunch or conducting some important business deal at a trendy bar where all the cool kids go to network.

I like the city too, but not every day and I don't like to rush. Anyone reading this who knows me probably laughed just now when I said I don't like to rush, because they have all seen me when I am revved up and doing six things at once while chattering away like a recording that is being played too fast. But that is my natural speed sometimes and other days I climb in bed and drift. It works for me, but is not necessarily a "good fit" for most workplaces. I know that when I eventually have my baby I will be kept pretty busy, but for the moment I have lots of free time. I garden and I fix up the house and I write and I work on my art projects, but it is definitely a life of leisure and I appreciate the gift of that.

As most of my friends already know, I am a naturist who enjoys the experience of being nude outdoors in all kinds of weather. Although I've always been open about this, still it is not like one can just do it when one feels like it. Most of my life I have made do with little patches of backyard or a balcony with privacy screening. And now I have all of this amazing space!

The highway, which we cannot see or hear unless we are at the very top of the hill, curves around our property and serves as a boundary for about two-thirds of the land. On the other side there is a steep ravine that goes down to a creek and a protected wetlands area. Then we have some fencing and at the driveway there is a big electronic gate that you need a keypad code to open. And, of course, I have my dogs. They may spend most of their time lounging, scratching and digging random holes in my gardens, but they can hear an unfamiliar sound a half-mile away and leap up to go investigate.

So every day I have the liberty to just saunter outside naked without bothering to look to make sure no one is around. And instead of confining myself to some little patch of backyard, I have acres and acres that I can explore, and there is nobody here but me and Nature. She and I are pretty tight.

Right now, however, it is mid-winter and the Amazing Nature Girl's powers do have some limits. But I have had lots of fun testing those limits! For example, I have discovered that if it is just barely cold enough to snow and it's coming down in big fat flakes, then I can be comfortable naked outdoors for quite a long time, especially if I am getting some exercise like shoveling snow or hiking to one of the houses on the property. That's assuming I have decent shoes on and maybe some gloves and a hat. Running barefoot in the snow is thrilling for 30 seconds or so, but then it quickly stops being fun.

It's not so much that walking naked outdoors "turns me on" sexually (though there is a little of that), but mostly it is a great thrill sensually in a manner that transcends sex. But I will confess that when I arrive at my destination -- Andrea and Dana's or Margot and Jayne's -- and I knock on the door and they open it and see me standing there naked ... well . . . that moment is definitely a sexual turn-on for me -- especially if they have guests!

But only if those guests were told about me in advance. I do like having an audience, and I like people to be delighted by me being nude. Yes, I admit that, but I would not just thrust my nakedness on someone. It's a social contract between me and the people who have to look at me, and I am hyper-sensitive to that relationship. I do this in such a controlled manner because I am terrified of getting an ewww-we-don't-want-to-look-at-you kind of rejection. Lord knows there are a lot of people that I wouldn't want to see naked and it takes a certain level of vanity to assume people want to see YOU naked. So anyways, I just need to be sure everyone is okay with it and then I can relax and enjoy the experience.

But as far as the cold goes, when the temperature really starts dropping, I start adding articles of clothing a little at a time -- starting with gloves and a hat, then a scarf around my neck. That's a nice ensemble, but when it gets below about 20 degrees I have to put on a jacket if I'm going to be outside any length of time. Sometimes, I even wear leg-warmers, pulled up to mid-thigh. However, I try to make sure my coat is no longer than waist length so I can maintain a lovely region of exposure from my belly button down to mid-thigh. This is sufficient to keep me warm and I can walk to any of the houses and stay comfortable. We have a few park benches and adirondack chairs scattered around the property wherever there is a nice view and as I pass them I will sit down briefly to feel the cold against my butt. If there is no actual snow on the bench and it has been sitting exposed to the winter sunlight, then it will only be a little cool against my skin -- a lovely experience. Sadly, most people don't realize how nice it feels to put your bare butt on things. They are really missing out.

* * * * *

Jan. 4

Jack is here for the next four or five days. "Whatever it takes," he says, channeling Michael Keaton in "Mr. Mom." He is referring to however many days it is until I am ovulating so we can try to get me knocked up. Quoting movie lines is actually one of the ways that Mona and Jack first bonded (back when they really didn't know each other and didn't entirely trust each other because both were being protective of me). As they started having conversations it turned out that both of them are film buffs who absently quote lines from movies to serve as metaphors to whatever point they are making in the conversation.

Some are well-known lines like "you're gonna need a bigger boat," or "plastics," or "you should have seen the ocean in those days." Even I get those, but Jack and Mona will quote from more obscure movies and the other one will chuckle knowingly in their elite club of People Who Got That One.

When we were dating in college, Jack and I went to the movies a lot, and we always had to stay for the entire credits. Part of it, he said, was to show respect to all the hundreds of people who made this movie but aren't movie stars. But he also had a notebook and pen ready in his pocket and when he saw something interesting in the credits he would scribble it down. And always, he would write down the names of the "key grip" and "best boy" of the movie. Those, I learned, were like the top electrician and the top lighting technician. Or something like that.

Jack had a lot of the names memorized -- especially those that sounded funny or included a colorful nickname -- and he'd bring it up in an off-hand way when people who knew less than him were talking about a particular film. They would assume he had just made up a name as a joke, and after more beers were consumed there would involve a wager -- which he would ultimately win. We didn't have The Internet yet, children, so the way they would resolve the bet was to pick up the phone and call the Public Library. And an actual librarian would answer the phone, usually within a few rings, and she would take your question seriously no matter how drunk you might sound on the phone. So when Jack's friends would call to ask who was key grip on "Casablanca" or "Taxi Driver" or whatever, the librarian would either put them on hold or call them back within the hour and she would have the answer. And of course it would be whatever name Jack had written down before they made the call.

So ... this morning Jack and I climbed the hill to the little cottage. It was originally a spring cellar that someone built an A-frame house over. It is not in great shape, but Jack is a carpenter who fixes up houses for a living. And not just regular homes, but historic homes. He specializes in restoring fancy woodwork like stairway bannisters.

The house has no electricity, but does have plumbing. In the kitchen sink there's a big green metal handle that you have to pump five or six times to get water to pour out the spigot, but it is beautifully clear and cool water from a spring. And there's a toilet that flushes into an ancient septic field that may or may not have more life in it.

But Jack is eager to start fixing it up and wants to live in about half the time. He has a house in another city where he has been living and working for the past few years, and that is about a three-hour drive from here. He can pretty much set his own schedule so he is blocking out one week a month to be here.

On the way back to the house, we passed an oak tree growing alone in a pasture. Because it was by itself and did not have to share the sky with any other trees it had sent its limbs reaching in all directions.

"That's where we can build the treehouse," Jack said. And then he pointed out specifically which branches would support it and described where the ladder would be. It was sweet because he had obviously already been thinking of this idea and had a lot of it worked out in his mind. It made me love him more than I already did.

* * * * *

Jan. 14

So, we made our first "deposit" in terms of trying to impregnate me with the help of Jack and a turkey baster. He spent about five minutes in the bathroom with a coffee cup and then delivered it to our bedroom where Mona had me positioned upside down leaning against the headboard with my butt and legs up in the air against the wall.

Jack stands outside in the hall and says funny things through the closed door while I let my dress fall open and Mona uses the turkey baster to suck up Jacks stuff and insert it into me. She jokes with him about how come he didn't produce more than this, etc.

Then she's done and I have to stay "in position" for awhile to keep his little swimmers from falling out. Mona sends him downstairs to make some drinks to celebrate (I'm not having anything alcoholic but we have fake champaign for me).

While he's downstairs I'm still in position with my dress falling open and Mona starts kissing me on my thighs and telling me about some "theory" that pregnancies are more likely to occur if the woman has an orgasm, and she is giving me a load of bull about this while she's kissing me and now she is Right There. I'm worried about Jack coming back and finding us this way, but the door is still closed and she is so very good at this, just the right touch with those magnificent lips of hers. And I come, not terribly quietly. Sometimes I can be quiet and sometimes I can't and I think I forgot to anyway.

Then afterwards Jack is doing "room service" at the door and I tuck my skirt between my thighs to keep it from falling open and then he's in the room passing out drinks and pretending he didn't hear what was going on.

In that position, of course, I can't drink anything anyway, but Mona takes a sip of my fake champaign and blows it into my mouth, and it's very sexy and Jack is sitting across the room on a chair watching and it fleetingly crossed my mind to "accidentally" let my skirt fall open, but I did NOT do that of course, and it was only a fleeting moment of temptation, nothing I seriously considered actually doing.

Not to suggest I have ANY interest in a threesome kinda thing -- I truly do not. It was just an oddly erotic situation, but not just erotic, in fact I was also feeling this overwhelming emotion that I was now pregnant. That "the little swimmer that could" had made it through and we had done it! I was euphoric and drunk without alcohol and I loved these two people in the room more than anything in the world.

* * * * *

Jan. 20

I have been all revved up on mania for the past two days and this morning we woke up to snow! And it was so beautiful I went outside and just ran and ran out into it but I wasn't even wearing shoes. I finally turned around but by then I was pretty far out and the run back was not as fun because my toes were starting to complain. Which I should have known would happen because I freaking wrote about it right here a week or so ago so it shouldn't have been a surprise.

Even when I leave her polite reminders, Future Me does not always take my advice.

But later that morning I went out again, this time wearing boots, mittens and a hat and that was much better. I hiked around in the snow for quite a while and was not at all uncomfortable.

* * * * *

Jan 25

Well things have sure been different recently. Andrea and Dana just moved in with us! It's temporary while they build their house -- when they get MARRIED (and they legally can ya know) -- and they had to get out of their apartment cause of the lease situation and had planned to move into a condo belonging to a friend of Andrea's but that fell thru at the last minute. So we said, heck move in with us.

Of course we all know that living together can wreck the best of friendships so we made a pact to communicate about anything that's bugging us before it gets out of hand. They could always get a short-term apartment situation if they needed to. Personally, I think it will be great and that they'll just stay til spring. They both work during the day so I'm home alone as usual. Lately I've been going over to Jayne's in the mornings to help with her ceramics, then I'm home alone in the afternoon and then my three roomies come home around six and I make dinner for everybody. I'm really enjoying having people around more often.

* * * * *

Jan. 27

If you are wondering, no I am not pregnant (yet). My period came as normal, but I am by no means discouraged. I know this can take several tries and I have a very positive outlook.

And Molly is here! She's Mona's younger sister, and she is a blast. She makes me laugh until I can't breathe, which is always a good thing.

Molly is two years younger than Mona and even tho they look quite a bit alike they are very different in personality. Altho Molly is athletic, she is not a serious jock like Mona for whom every sport or board game is a fight to the death. Mona will sometimes get silly and goofy if she is under the influence of something, but Molly is silly and goofy by default. Mona has a dry and sarcastic sense of humor (in which you might not get the joke if you haven't read a particular book or seen a particular movie) whereas Molly is more of the pratfall and pie-in-the-face school of humor.

And Molly enjoys cavorting naked outdoors like I do -- even in winter. We were out naked in the snow this afternoon, wearing only our shoes and hiking in the tire ruts down the long driveway.

We went all the way down to Jayne's house, which is close to the road and since it is winter and the leaves are down we had to be somewhat cautious in case cars came down the road. This is the "old state road" that was replaced by the interstate on the other side of the hill so it doesn't get a lot of traffic. Jaynie was expecting us and invited us in for a proper tea, which warmed us up. Then we went back back up the hill to my house but neither of us was ready to stop so we hiked up among the pine trees where Jack is fixing up the little house. He was not there, of course, so he missed out on seeing two naked girls hiking in the snow.

We were getting cold so we ran down the hill and kept running all the way back to the house and that got us both warm again. We dared each other to make snow angels and so of course we both did and we were wet and shivery when we went inside. Mona clucked at us and declared us both crazy, but we know she absolutely adores that we are both crazy in this particular way. Dana and Andrea were also in the house and we all had dinner together, two of us nude.

 

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