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Jack, my ex-boyfriend and future co-parent

I met Jack in college. He was the last boyfriend I ever had. Even while I was dating him I knew I was gay -- it just took me a while to come to terms with everything.

Orientation aside, this was also a relationship in which we both just knew we were connected for life in some amazing way. We were instant friends. As a couple we were only so-so, as lovers we weren't bad, but as friends we were (and are) a fabulous match. And I am just sure Jack will be a great father someday -- hopefully to my child.

Our three-way effort at becoming parents -- see my Trying to Get Pregnant section -- has not been an overwhelming success so far, but I know some people try for years. We have been to a fertility doc who wants me to take drugs to stimulate my egg-production and I am wary of doing so. I have nothing against pharmaceuticals, having taken Depakote, Xanax and other drugs to control bipolar disorder, panic attacks, etc. For the past six months I've been off meds (under doctor's supervision) for the pregnancy effort and have been coping fairly well. Of course I zing up and down like a roller coaster, sleeping for three days in the dumps, then hardly sleeping while I bounce around the house for the next three days. But my extremes are manageable. I'm wary of adding new drugs to the equation, and so is my psychiatrist -- tho she says we could try it if I want.

I can remember thinking of Jack being my someday-baby's father way back when we were in college. We met in an English composition class and we both had the next period free so we sprawled on the grass and talked about everything. He was (is) a deep-thinking philosophical type and we had great talks. Of course, the pot helped too! He always had some and we would get stoned in his room -- he had a single dorm room; no roommate -- and we would have nice sex and drink wine and talk endlessly. And when i got pot-induced munchies he always would magically produce a Hershey bar or some other goodie he had hidden away for that purpose.

But at the same time we were doing all this, I was also realizing more and more that I was gay. And when I wasn't with Jack I was back in my own dorm taking naked strolls down the hallway wanting somebody to get excited about me. I've written elsewhere about how I met Kelly this way. When that finally happened I broke up with Jack.

We stayed friends, but drifted apart for a couple years. Then, near the end of college, we platonically shared an apartment for part of one year. And then about a year after college we crossed paths one more time and went on a trip together. He was doing freelance photo-writing-research on off-beat vacation places for some travel guide and he would sleep in his van, showering at campsites, and he had no home at that time and was paying no rent so he just stockpiled all the money he made. I went with him on a trip down to Florida and up the east coast, stopping at all the little off-beat towns that nobody ever heard of but where there were little beach bars and fishing places and odd characters. He would meander inland an hour or so from the coast and find the most amazing little towns where tourism was unknown.

During the time that we were roommates we never ever came close to becoming sexually intimate again. I was gay, after all, and he was cool to that. Yet on this trip something happened. We sorta had 'old friend sex" if there is such a term. By this time I had zero doubt I was lesbian and yet for that brief couple of weeks my heart belonged to Jack again and I made love to him, and he to me.

I make no apologies for this to the Official Lesbian Community. If any of you see yourselves as self-appointed, Lez-PC-Police I say: "screw you." We are all humans and if we were completely Enlightened we would not notice gender differences at all. I am predisposed to fall in love with a woman and to find women sexually attractive. But that does not mean I am incapable of loving a man, or of honestly making love to a man.

But of course that was a short-lived situation. We drifted apart again and a year later I heard he was going to get married. But he didn't. I've always had mixed feelings about that. I want him to find someone and be happy to the rest of his days . . . but I'm also selfish and a bit jealous when he has a girlfriend. I can control that part tho.

For a few years after that travel story I completely lost touch with him. I tried to contact him when me and Mona were getting married, but his e-mail address had changed and he never got the message.

Then we bumped into each other, almost literally, and not long after that the pregnancy thing was discussed again, but at first Mona was very standoffish about Jack but over time she warmed up to him (as I have written about on her page and the pregnancy page).

I've also written about how he decided to fix up the little cottage up in the woods near our house. He still has his apartment in (name of other city) and his work is there (he refurbishes houses right now), but he comes down here regularly and if we are successful at having a baby he is committed to moving here.


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